I can’t describe the feeling when I first saw you.
I was in so much pain, I didn’t know I could feel for a man again.
It wasn’t lust, it wasn’t love. It was somewhere in between.
You were beautiful-in every aspect. Top to bottom, I couldn’t find a fault.
As I started getting to know you better, I didn’t mind the faults.
As I started getting to know you better, I didn’t care about the faults.
I didn’t want to know more of you because I would destroy my admiration for you.
It helps me keep love in my heart. It keeps me feeling something, anything at all.
Ignorance doesn’t always makes sense and I’m okay with that.
The nature of our friendship is dysfunctional at best. Our grudges hold stronger than super glue and our egos would never forgive. I tried to forgive and forget but I expected submission, not ego for ego, matched.
We kept each other around because we satisfied negative rooms in each other’s hearts. I kept you around because I needed a friend. Desperately trying to seek undying friendship they show you in movies, you kept me around for emotional support. Making unhealthy moves was your thing and then you needed someone to walk you through your feelings.
Everything was a competition between us. Who has the better boyfriend? Whose thinner? Who has the better job? Although, we loved to act like we were supportive, progressive women. We weren’t. We had the attitudes of our mothers. We swore we’d never turn out to hate women but we do. We hate, we envy, we compete and worst of all, we’re ruthless.
I hate that I think about astrology but common, were a Leo and Virgo ever gonna get along? We’re polar opposites, we value different things. We could never, it’s not in the stars.
The stars, the stars, the stars, they keep us apart. I sound like I’m desperately trying to find a reason as to why our egos are bigger than our logic. Aren’t we educated, independent women? We went to college. We’re supposed to be able to work through these things.
If you weren’t as fierce, I would crush you. That’s just who I am. I one-up all my friends and I only do well when I know I’m better off. I wish you the best. We were never meant to be friends- our egos wouldn’t allow it.
A lot of people’s whispers and underestimations reside in my ear. They haunt me daily. “I love being underestimated, I feed off that shit” she said fully knowing she had the resources to be successful one day. I looked at her in agreement knowing she didn’t have a shred of doubt in her abilities but what happens when you can visualize people’s underestimations of yourself?
Marching the beat of your own drum and exploring truth often causes people to think you’re a fuck up. Maybe I am a fuck up but I am full of experiences and truth. I was raised to be a coward and blend in. “Don’t do anything risky” said mom, on the phone, while I passionately discussed starting my own company.
Don’t read this and think I don’t care about traditionally successful people because I do. I can’t help it. I look at them and wonder why that isn’t me. What’s not right about my mental health? Why can’t I just take the bullshit like everyone else?
Following in the footsteps of tradition, I went to college, got a 9-5, let go of my adventures and decided to “settle down.” Then I lost it all. I lost my job, my stability and my center. All of a sudden my life was mayhem but I was free. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got let go. “Was I really going to spend the next two years with these chumps?” I left with a sly smile and hope in my heart knowing my co workers would pity me but who the fuck are they? Cogs in a giant machine desperate to make an extra 10 grand every 3 years; fighting over bonuses like a pack of wolves.
I rode that high for about a week until the panic set in. I realized my savings wouldn’t last me and I didn’t have any good ideas for my own company. I cried for a while realizing I didn’t have a choice but to apply to millions of jobs. “I can always start my own company when I have stability.” We all know how that goes.
“Fuck fuck fuck” so graduating a state school with a year of experience means nothing? That’s what the job rejections keep telling me. “Fuck you” I say to every application as I edit a cover letter. “Fuck you” I say to everyone who tells me to start my own company. “Fuck you” I say to recruiters who try to help me.
“Fuck you all, I’m not supposed to be in this place” I say, realizing how traditional I sound.
I knew it was goodbye as I looked into his eyes one last time. He didn’t say much but his eyes communicated everything I needed to know in that moment. My first love was breaking my heart. I didn’t know emotional pain could physically hurt.
Days went by, months went by, years went by and I kept living. Living with a broken heart and coping. I didn’t realize the work relationships required when you weren’t capable of love. Day dreams, good night dreams, expectations and stories all started to morph and interchange. They connected into something bigger and deepened my love every day.
I had a lot of meaningless relationships. Each relationship got riskier than the last and I kept getting numb by the second but I couldn’t bear the fact that it had been years and my heart was still broken. I was in the same place I was 4 years ago with no explanation. He moved away and probably met the love of his life and here I was in this city, where he left me, living in his memories. I attempted to contact him several times hoping that time and distance may bring us back together but the relationship was dead. It was beyond dead. It didn’t matter to him.
Coincidentally, being in one of these meaningless distractions, posed as a relationship, I met my husband. For the first time in my life, I have a lover, a best friend and a companion all in one. When we first met, I used him. I used him as a distraction to soothe my tragic love story- all made up in my head. He cared for me, he healed me, he didn’t put up with my shit and he was the perfect balance I needed in my life. He treated me like a princess but also didn’t pay attention when I threw temper tantrums. He wanted to build a life with me and marry me. I matured with him.
We aren’t obsessed with each other, we don’t hurt each other, there is no drama. Life is peaceful and beautiful. He soothes my pain and I soothe his. We work things out. We don’t ignore each other and most importantly, we respect each other. I learned to be patient, be kind and never compromise.
I truly understand the meaning of love, now. I can be with this man forever. Anything before him doesn’t matter.
The same rules society has made to build you will be the same rules it will use against you to break you. I wasn’t taught to take chances. My parents cautioned nature caused me to rebel and not in the healthiest ways. I was not taught that it was okay to try to do something great and fail.
I don’t blame my family for this sort of mentality. First generation immigrants in a new country tend to be cautious and live in fear. It’s not uncommon for them to instill fear in their children much like their parents did in them. After all, what were all their sacrifices for? A daughter who rebels.
Rebelling doesn’t really make you a badass. All I’m doing is putting myself in unhealthy scenarios to somehow beat the expectations from me. I wasn’t taught to take chances and fail. I was taught to proceed with caution in every area of life. After I decided I needed to carve my own path, riskier and tougher situations have started to present themselves and I. Have. Not. Been. Taught. To. Take. A. Chance.
But I take them anyways, I have decided to make bold moves. Not in form of rebellion, but to make progress. To make progress as a human being. To show my parents they have no idea what they’re missing out on. I want it all and I don’t want to be afraid to get it.
Have you ever thought about the beauty of circumstances? Even in their ugliest form, the worst possible trauma can turn around in a day. That’s what I find so beautiful about circumstances. Some of them stay with you forever and change who you are but one day, you are in the shit, battling life, just wanting someone to sedate you to get out of your own head. The next day one of your many problems gets solved and you suddenly bury everything else and start celebrating.
Bad circumstances are easily forgotten when changed. We, humans, never learn. We never follow our gut because we’re too scared. Scared of an unknown outcome, one that can truly change your life. It’s sort of a syndrome that we keep ourselves in. We keep falling prey to the same circumstances over and over again. We know that the 9-5 life isn’t for us but we keep looking for jobs in fear of not being part of a rat race. We know that drinking doesn’t solve a damn thing but we keep numbing ourselves to our pains. We know the right person we SHOULD be with but we keep going back to that abusive lover.
Are we all just in a loop? A loop of circumstances we’ve created for ourselves? I’m not sure but I can feel myself falling into the same traps over and over again and a coward for not being able to get out of them.